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Interlude 6 – Let Me Out of Your Box

I don’t know if it’s just me or if other people feel it too. I feel suffocated by labels. This need to be able to articulate what I am, what I want to be and how I want to live my life. As though it needs to be something understandable and manageable, so other people can process what I am and how I fit into their life, or not. 

Like being one way or another is the key to my happiness and yours. 

It’s bloody exhausting. And I’m done with it. 

I have been a drama assistant, I have been a barmaid, I have been a planner on construction projects, I have been a yoga teacher. I would like to be an interior designer, a craft maker, a home maker, a studio owner, a philanthropist. 

I have been a full-time employee, I have been a contractor, self-employed, a volunteer, I have been on the doll. 

I have been a student and a teacher. 

I have been settled, unsettled, travelling, stuck. 

I have been a daughter, a sister, an auntie, a best friend, a bad friend, a girlfriend. I hope to be a mother and a nana (side note lol: according to Urban Dictionary Nana is an amazing funny pretty girl. You’ll love her once you meet her. She always has something to say. She is loud and rude and isn’t afraid to say what’s on her mind. This is not the nana I was meaning, but I’ll be that too.). 

I have been loved, and I have been loving. I have been unloving, and unloved. 

I have tried hard and I have been lazy. I believe in science and I believe in soul. I am privileged and I have experienced discrimination and sometimes I just think the world’s out to get me.

I have eaten meat and I have eaten vegetarian and I have eaten vegan. I have done a juice cleanse and I have drank until I couldn’t stand. I want to be healthy and I also want to eat all of the chocolate. And white chocolate, but not bitter dark chocolate. 

I have a thousand pound bag and a t-shirt from a charity shop. I recycle and sometimes I can’t be bothered. I want to explore and I want to sit in front of the TV. I am sexy and I am a slob. 

I don’t understand marriage but I’d love to be loved, have a sparkly ring and a big party where I can wear a beautiful dress. 

I love to be at the beach and swim in the sea but I hate the feeling of salt and sand on my skin. I love the feeling of grass under my feet but hate the irritation of the grass on my skin. I love to walk barefoot and I love high heels. 

I can be kind and I can be mean. I can be compassionate and I can be intolerant. I like to move and I like to be still. I like to be the centre of attention and I like to be all alone. I love yoga and sometimes I just don’t want to practice it.

I have an opinion and sometimes my opinion can change in an instant and sometimes I’ll say things I don’t even mean, just because. And I reserve the right to change my mind whenever I well please.

I am brave and I am scared shitless. I am certain and I am clueless. 

I can be more than one thing at once. And sometimes I can be nothing at all. 

If it’s a tick box, I tick none and I tick all. If it’s a jack in the box it could burst open at any moment or stay shut forever.

So please don’t ask me to define myself because I don’t have a succinct answer. 

I can’t be all things to all people. So I guess I’ll just have to be ok with being all me. 

And I’ve written the words ‘I, me, my’ 96 times in this article, and I should be more aware that this is all just ego and I should delete the post because it’s self indulgent. Or I could just press publish, because today I just don’t give a flying.

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